~ imagine ~

I'm still home from work.  I wish that I had gotten a D and C instead of trying to let my body take care of it a bit more naturally.  It's been a long and painful process.  I've missed too much work and I'm fairly unmotivated to do anything.  Besides, I can't really do much other than sit around anyway.  Leaves way too much time for thinking...and I'm not even really thinking clearly.  Work and studying is pretty much out.  My brain isn't working properly.

I'm not sure what I would do without my mother right now.  She has been amazingly helpful.  On Monday, she just showed up at my house thinking I shouldn't be alone, and she was right!  I had no idea what I was in for, and I even blacked out on her at one point, falling gracefully at her feet.  Scared her to death! 

I'm also not sure what I would do without my soul mate.  I know he is trying his best to heal as well, and at the same time he has been supportive of me and understanding when I don't get out of my pajamas.  And work hasn't stopped for him, in fact it's been extra busy the last few weeks.  I am so thankful that he is in my life.

Yesterday I stepped outside for a minute or two because I saw that this flower on our deck was blooming and I wanted to try to capture it.

I have been eyeing a few scrapbooking layouts and each day I have gone downstairs to try to do something and most days I've failed - uninspired and my head just isn't there.  I decided to try one that I knew would be fairly easy to scraplift, and I wouldn't have to think too much.  I picked a layout that I discovered through pinterest.  Actually,  I believe I repinned this Allie Hamblin layout from my friend Kirsten who found it originally on Studio Calico's website!  Here's my take on it.

 

Everything except the flower is from the most recent Scrapbook Circle Kit called Fresh Picked, including the Pink Paislee Sawdust Wood Alphabet that I inked with orange and brown stamping pads.  The background paper is called Timeclock from the Memorandum collection by Lillybee Designs.  My favorite paper is the one behind the flower and letter B, it's the Cross Stitch Paper - Farmhouse by Crate Paper.  Right beside it is Random - Textile also by Crate Paper, and the last square in the upper right corner is Simple Joys from the Fresh Goods collection by Pebbles Inc.  (And yes, I actually stitched with the sewing machine around the edges.  I had to change the bobbin and everything)!  Overall, I'm not very happy with how this turned out.  The photo was too dark for the papers I chose, and the stitching didn't go as well as planned, but it was something -- way better than having a pity party!

I used a Picasso quote, "Everything you can imagine is real" for several reasons.  Partly, imagining fits this photo of my daughter in her butterfly wings, but also imagining is hopeful.

~ sad day ~

Friday was supposed to be an exciting, happy day for us.  I had my first doctor's appointment with the OB and I was looking forward to hearing a healthy heartbeat.  When the doctor did the exam she couldn't find a heartbeat, so she sent me for an ultrasound.  The ultrasound revealed  that, although I was supposed to be a little over eleven weeks pregnant, our baby didn't make it past week seven.  No heartbeat.  It was devastating, but that doesn't really explain my feelings about it.  I can't really put it into words.

The medical facts are that our baby died around the seventh week but my body wasn't showing any signs of miscarriage.  I had two options: Surgery or take a medication that would help my body miscarry.  I chose the medication.  I took one dose last night, and the process started within about four hours (about 3:30 this morning).  There is, of course, both physical and emotional pain, but overall, I think I'm doing as well as can be expected.

I go back to the OB doctor on Monday so they can check my progress and give me a RhoGAM shot (I'm RH-negative).  I need to continue with the gestational diabetes regimen until the placenta has exited my body because the placenta is what causes a pregnant person's body to become insulin resistant.  I will also check in with the GD doctor on Monday. 

Our lights went out last night, so we filled the room with candles.  This candle lit up a picture frame that I got for my birthday from a friend.  I thought it fit the day, so I snapped a photo of it.

This morning, B. sat on my tummy and said, "Baby in there?  Mommy's got a baby in her tummy?"  I paused and then just said "No."  Then she said, "It's gone?".

~ 11 weeks ~

I was going to wait until week 12 to do my first belly shot (I like even numbers), but The Hereios, a group I'm in over at flickr, had "Reflected Restroom Selfie" as it's theme for today -- so I took it today instead!  The shirt I'm wearing is stretchy.  I'm going to try to wear it for as many of the belly shots as I can.  And, since I did this one in the restroom, I may try to do the others that way as well.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, and I'm hot happy with the actual photo, so maybe not!

I'm growing more quickly than my last pregnancy!  I'm sure this has much to do with the fact that I have no stomach muscles left -- from babies, the kidney donation, as well as the incisional hernia from my last pregnancy.  There's nothing left to hold it all in, so I popped quite quickly even though I've actually lost a little weight.  I think I'm going to have to break down and buy maternity clothes earlier rather than later.  Until then, I have the bellaband to help out (I would die without it).

The GD is still kicking my butt.  I continue to be over emotional and distracted by what to eat, when to eat and how to get exercise in.  Bleh.  But on Friday, I should get to hear the heartbeat!

What about craftiness, you ask?  What have I been up to in that area?  I'm not sure what I am thinking, but I ordered some PUL fabric and a book about how to make really cool cloth diapers.  I am not finding time to do anything crafty, I'm barely taking photos, and I'm not a person that sews.  I had to look up PUL fabric online so I would even know what it was.  So..uhh...what was I thinking?  I guess I wasn't.

I did get this awesome selection of doodle twine (doodlebug design inc.) in the mail the other day, and I cannot wait to use it!  It has been busy around here with birthdays and stuff, but I'm hoping that I'll find time this weekend to reacquaint myself with the scrapbook area!

But, not before I clean it up.....

My soul mate:  (hollering up the stairs) Uh, was B. downstairs by herself at all yesterday?
Me:  (as I'm walking down the stairs) Um, I'm not sure, I think she was recently, but I'm not sure....
My soul mate:  Look...

This is the floor!

At least she finished the task, right?  Her daddy says this means that she will probably finish college.