~small girl, big thoughts~

This photo was taken on our trip to Northern Iowa one week before B. turned two.  I took the photo because I thought she looked sooo tiny on the big steps of the farmhouse.  She was coming out of the house, and I'm pretty sure she was looking for the two of us.  We were at a family reunion and so there were many, many new people and most of our trip she stayed pretty close to us, or Grandma and Grandpa. When I saw this week's sketch over at Sketchy Thursdays, I chose this photo as my focus.  Thank you to my Club CK friends for helping with the title!

I used hidden journaling for the first time on this layout!!  Here is the hidden story and then the reveal.

 

Many of the materials are from the October Scrapbook Circle Kit -- Fresh Picked, with a few additions from my personal stash.

~ imagine ~

I'm still home from work.  I wish that I had gotten a D and C instead of trying to let my body take care of it a bit more naturally.  It's been a long and painful process.  I've missed too much work and I'm fairly unmotivated to do anything.  Besides, I can't really do much other than sit around anyway.  Leaves way too much time for thinking...and I'm not even really thinking clearly.  Work and studying is pretty much out.  My brain isn't working properly.

I'm not sure what I would do without my mother right now.  She has been amazingly helpful.  On Monday, she just showed up at my house thinking I shouldn't be alone, and she was right!  I had no idea what I was in for, and I even blacked out on her at one point, falling gracefully at her feet.  Scared her to death! 

I'm also not sure what I would do without my soul mate.  I know he is trying his best to heal as well, and at the same time he has been supportive of me and understanding when I don't get out of my pajamas.  And work hasn't stopped for him, in fact it's been extra busy the last few weeks.  I am so thankful that he is in my life.

Yesterday I stepped outside for a minute or two because I saw that this flower on our deck was blooming and I wanted to try to capture it.

I have been eyeing a few scrapbooking layouts and each day I have gone downstairs to try to do something and most days I've failed - uninspired and my head just isn't there.  I decided to try one that I knew would be fairly easy to scraplift, and I wouldn't have to think too much.  I picked a layout that I discovered through pinterest.  Actually,  I believe I repinned this Allie Hamblin layout from my friend Kirsten who found it originally on Studio Calico's website!  Here's my take on it.

 

Everything except the flower is from the most recent Scrapbook Circle Kit called Fresh Picked, including the Pink Paislee Sawdust Wood Alphabet that I inked with orange and brown stamping pads.  The background paper is called Timeclock from the Memorandum collection by Lillybee Designs.  My favorite paper is the one behind the flower and letter B, it's the Cross Stitch Paper - Farmhouse by Crate Paper.  Right beside it is Random - Textile also by Crate Paper, and the last square in the upper right corner is Simple Joys from the Fresh Goods collection by Pebbles Inc.  (And yes, I actually stitched with the sewing machine around the edges.  I had to change the bobbin and everything)!  Overall, I'm not very happy with how this turned out.  The photo was too dark for the papers I chose, and the stitching didn't go as well as planned, but it was something -- way better than having a pity party!

I used a Picasso quote, "Everything you can imagine is real" for several reasons.  Partly, imagining fits this photo of my daughter in her butterfly wings, but also imagining is hopeful.

~ sad day ~

Friday was supposed to be an exciting, happy day for us.  I had my first doctor's appointment with the OB and I was looking forward to hearing a healthy heartbeat.  When the doctor did the exam she couldn't find a heartbeat, so she sent me for an ultrasound.  The ultrasound revealed  that, although I was supposed to be a little over eleven weeks pregnant, our baby didn't make it past week seven.  No heartbeat.  It was devastating, but that doesn't really explain my feelings about it.  I can't really put it into words.

The medical facts are that our baby died around the seventh week but my body wasn't showing any signs of miscarriage.  I had two options: Surgery or take a medication that would help my body miscarry.  I chose the medication.  I took one dose last night, and the process started within about four hours (about 3:30 this morning).  There is, of course, both physical and emotional pain, but overall, I think I'm doing as well as can be expected.

I go back to the OB doctor on Monday so they can check my progress and give me a RhoGAM shot (I'm RH-negative).  I need to continue with the gestational diabetes regimen until the placenta has exited my body because the placenta is what causes a pregnant person's body to become insulin resistant.  I will also check in with the GD doctor on Monday. 

Our lights went out last night, so we filled the room with candles.  This candle lit up a picture frame that I got for my birthday from a friend.  I thought it fit the day, so I snapped a photo of it.

This morning, B. sat on my tummy and said, "Baby in there?  Mommy's got a baby in her tummy?"  I paused and then just said "No."  Then she said, "It's gone?".

~ 11 weeks ~

I was going to wait until week 12 to do my first belly shot (I like even numbers), but The Hereios, a group I'm in over at flickr, had "Reflected Restroom Selfie" as it's theme for today -- so I took it today instead!  The shirt I'm wearing is stretchy.  I'm going to try to wear it for as many of the belly shots as I can.  And, since I did this one in the restroom, I may try to do the others that way as well.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, and I'm hot happy with the actual photo, so maybe not!

I'm growing more quickly than my last pregnancy!  I'm sure this has much to do with the fact that I have no stomach muscles left -- from babies, the kidney donation, as well as the incisional hernia from my last pregnancy.  There's nothing left to hold it all in, so I popped quite quickly even though I've actually lost a little weight.  I think I'm going to have to break down and buy maternity clothes earlier rather than later.  Until then, I have the bellaband to help out (I would die without it).

The GD is still kicking my butt.  I continue to be over emotional and distracted by what to eat, when to eat and how to get exercise in.  Bleh.  But on Friday, I should get to hear the heartbeat!

What about craftiness, you ask?  What have I been up to in that area?  I'm not sure what I am thinking, but I ordered some PUL fabric and a book about how to make really cool cloth diapers.  I am not finding time to do anything crafty, I'm barely taking photos, and I'm not a person that sews.  I had to look up PUL fabric online so I would even know what it was.  So..uhh...what was I thinking?  I guess I wasn't.

I did get this awesome selection of doodle twine (doodlebug design inc.) in the mail the other day, and I cannot wait to use it!  It has been busy around here with birthdays and stuff, but I'm hoping that I'll find time this weekend to reacquaint myself with the scrapbook area!

But, not before I clean it up.....

My soul mate:  (hollering up the stairs) Uh, was B. downstairs by herself at all yesterday?
Me:  (as I'm walking down the stairs) Um, I'm not sure, I think she was recently, but I'm not sure....
My soul mate:  Look...

This is the floor!

At least she finished the task, right?  Her daddy says this means that she will probably finish college.

~ senior photos ~

Steve Jobs died.  A few hours before his death, I purchased an iPad 2.  I will never forget that.  The world has lost something special.


It's been busy 'round here.  Class, work, B., and family all taking up time.  But, unfortunately, most of my time is spent counting carbs, meal planning, grocery shopping and worrying!  Argh!  I wish I could get over the worrying part.  When I was pregnant with B. I had gestational diabetes.  I ended up having to be on insulin for most of the summer leading up to her birth in August.  Like typical GD, it went away as soon as she was born.  Also typical, I have to be watched carefully during this pregnancy because it will be back.  So, after my first visit to the GD doctor, she put me on the carb-counting diet (with 3 meals, 3 snacks a day) and I started checking my blood sugar before breakfast and after each meal.  It only took a week.  As soon as I sent them my numbers I was put on insulin in the evenings (before bed).  It's the long-lasting kind not the quick acting kind.  (I was on both before, and probably will be again, eventually)  The reason they started me so early is because my fasting blood sugars (right when I wake up, before breakfast) were a little high.  Another thing I learned, if I have to sit in meetings all day or something like that, my other blood sugars are higher than we'd like.  So, this means I'm counting my carbs carefully, eating every 3 hours (I set a timer on my phone), pricking my finger 4 times a day, injecting insulin at 9pm each night, and I walk about a mile after every meal.  It takes a lot of time to plan for all of that!  It's frustrating, time consuming, and takes up too much space in my brain.  And I really hate being on the insulin because then I sometimes have low blood sugars as a result, which make me feel dizzy and icky.  Bleh.  But in about 30 weeks or less, I will have a baby.

This weekend I took photos of my niece, Simonne.  She is a senior and needed some senior shots.  My one true love helped me immensely (AND is doing the photoshopping for me)!  He also gave me an early birthday present -- a new lens for my camera!!  (Can I get a woot woot)?  It was the perfect gift and just in time for the photo shoot (he planned it that way).  I took over 200 photos and we got a few that work.  Photoshop is our friend, especially since Simi got her wisdom teeth out the day before!  But she was a trooper.  We couldn't have had a better weekend -- beautiful, warm, with lovely fall colors all around us.  Here are a few....more on flickr.